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Catching a Ride on the Gratitude Train
I was rocking it – thinking I had grief completely under wraps when it crashed down on me a few weeks ago. It happened when I learned that I had been shut out of a clinical trial for a new optogenetics drug I was convinced would give me back my eyesight.
Somewhere in the recesses of my mind I had glommed onto the story that this clinical trial represented my one and only chance to see my daughters’ faces again. And when I learned that I had been excluded because of a stem cell surgery I had undergone a few years back in a last ditch effort to save my sight, I spiraled so hard and fast that it was a struggle to breathe.
I knew full well that I wasn’t doing myself any favors by wallowing in pain, fear, and despair. But after securing what felt like an eyesight lottery ticket and fantasizing about seeing my world again in as little as four weeks, being told that I couldn’t participate in the clinical trial was so crushing I couldn’t move.
While curled in a ball on my coach, sobbing inconsolably, my thoughts jumped to the self-love infused wisdom imparted by my friend and mentor, Benaz, an amazing psychologist and intuitive healer.
Shortly after my world had gone dark three years earlier, I had reached out to her in desperate need of a lifeline. She was coaching me on ways to climb out of the abyss by redirecting my attention from my loss to those things that bring me passion and joy. But when she realized her words weren’t penetrating, she shifted gears.
“If you find yourself enveloped in grief, don’t punish yourself for feeling down. That doesn’t help anything. Instead, just focus on self-love. But,” she added, “If you do find yourself on that grief train, remember that you don’t have to ride it all the way to that endless dark tunnel. You can hop off any time you would like.”
Her words surprised me. Of course I wanted off that train. But I had no idea how to escape my heavy emotional state.
“It’s just about being conscious and aware,” she explained when I pressed her.
Just as I had done back then, I gave it a try. I envisioned myself as a passenger on the grief train, heading for the tunnel of gloom and doom. Then I pictured myself grabbing my backpack and heading for the exit.
I knew the easiest way to reverse course was to catch a ride on the gratitude train that was heading in the other direction.
So with that visual in mind, I started thinking about the miracle of this new optogenetics drug, which was only announced on June 3rd. I started thinking about how incredibly grateful I was to Samarendra Mohanty, the biophysicist who devoted his life to developing this drug so that people like me have a chance to see. I also examined the story I was telling myself regarding the clinical trial. Why was I telling myself that this was my one and only opportunity to see my world again? Why couldn’t I just as easily see this breakthrough as the first of many – one of which would my answer?
As it always has in the past, flipping the story I was telling myself and hopping on the gratitude train worked.
I wanted to share this story because I know that life is full of hurdles and that sometimes grief and despair overtake us. When it does, remember to shower yourself with compassion and love. Then close your eyes and imagine that you are a passenger on the grief train and can step off any time you want. And the best part is that at any stop along the way, the gratitude train is waiting to whisk you away to that land called happiness.
Tags: Eyesight, gratitude, Ingrid Ricks
